Move and ELO star Roy Wood : why I hate daytime TV

May 10 2009 by Roy Wood, guest writer for The Sunday Mercury

Next up, Cash In The Attic. S**t In The Shed, more like. A family wants to sell a few items at the local auction, in order to get extra money to go on holiday.

Now bear in mind these people have lived in the same house for 25 years. I wonder how many times they had to rehearse that look of surprise, when the antiques expert finds some rare Edwardian stamp collection in the cupboard under the sink.

“Oh my God, I had no idea that was there!” If you bothered to clean the house from time to time, missus, then you wouldn’t have to be on this embarrassing programme in the first place.

Next? Another programme about buying and selling junk in an antiques sale room. It’s Bargain Hunt. Two teams are given an amount of money, then battle it out to see how much cash they’ve lost at the end of the day by making the wrong decisions and buying items which, even to the untrained eye, are worthless.

The left-handed walking stick looks good. Or that bowler hat with sleeves...

What an exciting televisual day it’s been so far. Time for the news again, just in case we’ve forgotten all of the stuff they told us before.

What’s on next? Well, blimey if it isn’t yet another programme about buying and selling stuff in an auction room – David Dickinson’s Real Deal. I can hardly contain my excitement.

The presenters always open by saying: “Hello and welcome to The Show.” They wouldn’t recognise a real show if it punched them in the face.

But wait. The programme planners must know the format of these things is devoid of interest and talent, so they’ve resorted to bringing in B-List celebs so that they can actually call it “Celebrity S**t In The Shed etc. etc.

Rubbish TV carries on well into the late afternoon with stuff like 60 Minute Makeover. Some unsuspecting woman who’s had family problems recently is sent off for the day, while a team of about 50 people storm into the house, and remove her stuff, which is unceremoniously chucked into a skip.

They then proceed to hang zany, wiggly, designer wallpaper that’s going to send the poor woman mad, paint over the bathroom tiles, build a fake fireplace out of cheap plywood and emulsion over her bedroom furniture in puke green.

All in the space of 60 minutes. Yeah, sure. We all know two days after the cameras have left the scene, half of the makeover will either fall down or be worn off. Upon the woman’s return, of course, she ends up in floods of tears. Nothing to do with the fact she’s pleased with the result. She’s just caught sight of all her nice family heirlooms jammed in the skip.

What worries me most is these dreadful programmes are no longer restricted to daytime TV. This rubbish is now shown at peak viewing times between 8pm and 11pm, which used to be reserved for decent shows.

Come Dine With Me, How Clean Is Your House, Super Nanny, A Place In The Sun, I Own Britain’s Best Home, Celebrity Chefs In Trouble, Hell’s Kitchen, cops with cameras arresting low life drugged-up and drunken people.