Classic literature according to Twitter

Mar 29 2009 by Lorne Jackson, Sunday Mercury

PD James will be replaced in the nation’s affections with P Diddy, while Little Women will be swapped for Girls Aloud.

It’s a terrible situation, all right.

That’s why the Sunday Mercury has decided to introduce our uncultured yoof to the classics of literature.

However, we’ve met the scallywags halfway – by condensing thousands of pages of fine prose into twitter-speak...

1. Emma By Jane Austen: ‘‘Posh young gels marry posh young blighters then live poshly ever after. Swoon!’’

2. Hamlet By William Shakespeare: ‘‘Typical teen. Rude to parents. Thoughtless with chick. Inconsiderate to oldies. Then harps on about achieving great things. But does zip.’’

3. Gone With The Wind By Margaret Mitchell: ‘‘White Supremacists find each other but lose their cushy way of life.’’

4. The Old Testament (Bible): ‘‘War, plague, sex, torture, death, hocus-pocus ... and blokes with long beards.’’

5. The New Testament (Bible): ‘‘War, plague, sex, torture, death, hocus-pocus, blokes with long beards. But this time it’s personal.’’

6. Oliver Twist By Charles Dickens: ‘‘Wishy-washy wimp moves to Big Smoke and is trained in lucrative trade by kindly old cove.’’

7. Trainspotting By Irving Welsh: ‘‘Nerdy chaps grab notebooks, pens and cosy tank-tops, then go look at trains ... or maybe not.’’

8. Wuthering Heights By Emily Bronte: ‘‘Dour Yorkshire folk grumpily fall in love then do something truly nasty and despicable – inspire Kate Bush to sing.’’

9. Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone By JK Rowling: ‘‘Genuine magic occurs thanks to wizard named JK. She turns ink splats into pure gold.’’

10. War And Peace By Leo Tolstoy: ‘‘War And, er, Peace.’’

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