http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/ sundaymercury en-gb Sunday Mercury no sundaymercury IC NETWORK http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/07/05/my-wife-can-t-beat-it-when-it-comes-to-mourning-michael-jackson-66331-24075344/ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/07/05/my-wife-can-t-beat-it-when-it-comes-to-mourning-michael-jackson-66331-24075344/ wMICHAEL Jackson died a week last Thursday. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/28/milk-thief-who-strikes-at-dawn-in-slowest-ever-getaway-vehicle-66331-23996932/ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/28/milk-thief-who-strikes-at-dawn-in-slowest-ever-getaway-vehicle-66331-23996932/ “IF anything,” sighed the head of our Neighbourhood Watch, scanning the 12-page report I’d submiitted, “you’ve been somewhat over-zealous.” Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/28/wife-wants-a-break-from-holiday-home-hell-66331-23996933/ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/28/wife-wants-a-break-from-holiday-home-hell-66331-23996933/ WIFE’S acting a bit strange as she hurtles towards 50. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/21/binman-gets-hernia-lifting-our-wine-bottle-empties-66331-23929789/ Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/21/binman-gets-hernia-lifting-our-wine-bottle-empties-66331-23929789/ “WHAT’S the time?” I demanded, bullets of cold sweat forming on my brow. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/21/diet-guru-is-full-of-tips-and-abuse-66331-23929791/ Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/21/diet-guru-is-full-of-tips-and-abuse-66331-23929791/ I KNEW I needed to diet when I looked in the mirror and saw my backside – without turning round. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/14/tears-and-tantrums-at-church-fete-as-i-step-in-for-cheggers-66331-23869213/ Sat, 13 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/14/tears-and-tantrums-at-church-fete-as-i-step-in-for-cheggers-66331-23869213/ “We had Les Ross open our fete one year,” lisped the little girl. “And Steve Bull.” Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/14/painful-school-memories-of-when-i-was-bottom-of-class-66331-23869214/ Sat, 13 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/06/14/painful-school-memories-of-when-i-was-bottom-of-class-66331-23869214/ A GRAINY, black and white picture of myself, and classmates, in our weekly paper’s Where Are They Now? feature has made me painfully aware that I’ve been on this planet a long, long time. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/31/lockley-the-village-carnival-committee-is-in-a-really-bullish-mood-66331-23749158/ Sat, 30 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/31/lockley-the-village-carnival-committee-is-in-a-really-bullish-mood-66331-23749158/ “THEY release the bulls,” said old Tom excitedly, “and the beasts stampede through the main streets, chasing the panic-stricken locals who have to avoid being gored.” Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/31/lockley-i-ll-stand-for-election-if-i-can-claim-a-new-lawnmower-66331-23749159/ Sat, 30 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/31/lockley-i-ll-stand-for-election-if-i-can-claim-a-new-lawnmower-66331-23749159/ I’ll stand for election if I can claim a new lawnmower Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/31/lockley-bitter-taste-at-the-local-66331-23749163/ Sat, 30 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/31/lockley-bitter-taste-at-the-local-66331-23749163/ Bitter taste at the local Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/the-mike-lockley-column-i-m-the-new-clint-eastwood-after-nabbing-parish-burglar-66331-23697587/ Sat, 23 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/the-mike-lockley-column-i-m-the-new-clint-eastwood-after-nabbing-parish-burglar-66331-23697587/ You read it here first… Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/my-date-with-fete-as-stand-in-for-shep-66331-23697588/ Sat, 23 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/my-date-with-fete-as-stand-in-for-shep-66331-23697588/ WHISPER it, but thanks to this column I have been asked to open the Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church Fete. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/wee-willie-winkie-66331-23697589/ Sat, 23 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/wee-willie-winkie-66331-23697589/ wA MAN strides into his doctor’s reception and declares loudly: “There’s something wrong with my winky.” The shocked receptionist gives him a ticking-off. “This is a public area and you need to show decorum. You should say, ‘there’s something wrong with my ear’...that sort of thing.” Next day the man strides to the reception desk and declares loudly: “There’s something wrong with my ear.” “What’s the problem?” asks the receptionist. “It hurts when I urinate out of it.” Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/ham-dram-show-a-real-stage-fright-66331-23697590/ Sat, 23 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/24/ham-dram-show-a-real-stage-fright-66331-23697590/ GOODNESS, the village am-drama production my wife and I endured last weekend was painful. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/17/country-bumpkins-are-running-scared-in-london-66331-23639867/ Sat, 16 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/17/country-bumpkins-are-running-scared-in-london-66331-23639867/ “THAT is not the Victoria Line,” I seethed, scrutinising the map as commuters jostled, wrestled and pushed me while running up the escalator, which goes against the whole point of the machinery. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/17/mp-pleads-for-our-votes-and-a-new-bentley-66331-23639868/ Sat, 16 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/17/mp-pleads-for-our-votes-and-a-new-bentley-66331-23639868/ ACCORDING to the national press, I have unwittingly helped pay for seven ‘mooning’ stone gnomes that reside proudly, fishing rods in hands, in the sprawling back garden of my MP’s country retreat. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/17/hitler-s-tunes-not-music-to-mein-ears-66331-23639870/ Sat, 16 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/17/hitler-s-tunes-not-music-to-mein-ears-66331-23639870/ I’M addicted to satellite TV’s documentary channels, even though every programme is about Adolf Hitler, sharks or someone picking up deadly snakes. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/10/i-fear-swine-flu-but-can-only-hear-crackling-on-nhs-helpline-66331-23584404/ Sat, 09 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/10/i-fear-swine-flu-but-can-only-hear-crackling-on-nhs-helpline-66331-23584404/ “FOR the last time,” bellowed my exasperated wife, “you haven’t got swine flu.” Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/10/clueless-cops-in-hunt-for-brut-of-a-burglar-66331-23584405/ Sat, 09 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/10/clueless-cops-in-hunt-for-brut-of-a-burglar-66331-23584405/ “WHAT the hell are you doing?” I demanded as my wife worked feverishly with cloth, scrubbing brush and liberal squirts of Mr Sheen. Mike Lockley http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/10/canoodling-lovebirds-become-badger-bait-66331-23584406/ Sat, 09 May 2009 23:00:00 GMT http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/columnists/mike-lockley/2009/05/10/canoodling-lovebirds-become-badger-bait-66331-23584406/ HAD A sweltering evening spent badger watching, which is not a euphemism, despite what the courting couple I almost tripped over in the long, unkempt corn took it to be. Mike Lockley