Sunday Mercury - Columnists - Mike Lockley

Lockley: Major police hunt as a master criminal escapes our village beat bobbies

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

THE stench of suspicion mingles with pungent agricultural aromas following news that The Major – known on the street as, er, The Major – has slipped police custody.

Mike Lockley Column: Huntsmen would do better looking for foxes in fast food restaurants

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

I HAVE told the hunt, in no uncertain terms, that the invitation to ride with them, then write a glowing article ‘destroying the many myths’ goes beyond the pale.

Mike Lockley: The truth behind big black cat sightings is revealed

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

SO now we know. The big black cat spotted lurking in woodland only a stone’s throw from Chateau Lockley is, in all probability, a big cat called Whiskers.

Mike Lockley: I haven't shed a tear for my Facebook friend North Korean president Kim Jong-il

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

CALL me hard-hearted, but I’ve not shed a single tear over the demise of North Korean president Kim Jong-il.

Mike Lockley: Cigarette warnings are costing a packet

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

I BELIEVE parents should rail against those ads that involve a host of lisping children pleading: “Please don’t smoke, dad/mom/grandma because I worry you might get cancer and die.”

Mike Lockley: Haunted by a terrifying Ghost of Christmas Past – in 70s platform heels!

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 00:00:00 GMT

I TREMBLED, covering my face with the duvet and mumbled: “I know what you are.

Lockley: A drunken tour around Kent’s Shepherd Neame brewery

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:00:00 GMT

JUST had a fascinating tour of Kent’s Shepherd Neame brewery, an establishment that has been providing ale for 850 years.

Mike Lockley: I have joined Facebook

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

THE unthinkable has happened. I’ve become a member of the Facebook community.

Lockley: Radio DJ wants me to meet the Grim Reaper live on air

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

UNION official Red Trev Trotsky handed me the Samurai sword, the words ‘Death Of Local Journalism’ etched into its gleaming blade.

Mike Lockley: Beware of the office Christmas Party

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

THE trickle of Christmas e-mails became a tinsel torrent this week.

Mike Lockley: My mate's job takes the biscuit

Sunday Mercury — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

MY mate’s job is so boring that his entire office has sick building syndrome.

Lockley: Loneliness drives me to the village where killersall live in thatch cottages

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 23:00:00 GMT

YOU don’t know how good it is to have someone to talk to…

Mike Lockley: Empire state of mind as chairwoman sends defendant Down Under

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 23:00:00 GMT

THE chairwoman of the bench trilled: ‘‘This is a very serious matter,” as she fingered her pearl necklace in a show of agitation.

Mike Lockley: The poor single mum who lives in a shoe with her kids...this is real life!

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 23:00:00 GMT

DEEPLY saddened by the village hall committee’s decision to employ a professional panto production company this Christmas.

Mike Lockley: I am not bloody Bernie The Bolt

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 23:00:00 GMT

THE angry pensioner glared at me and bellowed: ‘‘For the last time, I am not bloody Bernie The Bolt.”

Lockley: I am the world's best flatulence fuelled welly wanger

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 23:00:00 GMT

THE annual village ‘games’ were a glorious illustration of the pleasures and pursuits that make up country life… apart from dogging, obviously.

Lockley: Delving in the loft through love letters and school reports

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 23:00:00 GMT

MY silver-haired mother has presented me with a tea-chest full of memories discovered in her loft.

Lockley: Toilet farce is a crapper

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 23:00:00 GMT

A CHAP called Crapper invented the toilet, which is an irony lost on many people.

Mike Lockley: My Cockney Rhyming slang could be ad for my health

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 23:00:00 GMT

IN the words of the song: “England swings like a pendulum do, Bobbies on bicycles...”

Mike Lockley ponders life and the cosmos

Sunday Mercury — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 23:00:00 GMT

IT’S an age thing – I’m dwelling on creation and the cosmos more.