Home News Columnists Mike Lockley

Lockley: Why women went wild for my fertile morris dance steps

I SIMPLY refuse to stand back and watch our dwindling band of morris dancers become another part of rural life consigned to the history books.Read

Lockley: Cold snap brings out the worst in some of the villagers

THE eternally chipper owner of our convenience store has welcomed every customer during the big freeze with a hearty: “Cold enough for you?”Read

Lockley: The penis fly trap

NUMBER One Son’s paper round has become a tiresome burden to the teenager - a chore the 17-year-old feels robs him of street cred.Read

Now if only I could remember what it was I said I really shouldn’t forget

I CAN remember every detail of a rather mundane school trip to Chester Zoo 37 years ago, including the bit where a gorilla threw orange excrement at Peggo Reeves.Read

When it comes to healthy eating, I’m a chip off the block

THIS healthy eating lark, one of a number of New Year’s resolutions foisted upon us by my wife, is getting me down.Read

Bare-faced cheek makes no scents

CHRISTMAS must be well and truly over because they’ve stopped showing those bizarre, black and white adverts for fragrances, both male and female. They’re in French, to boot.Read

Pheasant hunt lands me in hot water

A glorious break embracing the country pursuits that are part and parcel of New Year celebrations in our rural backwater.Read

Christmas cardie is less popular than a chamois leather Elvis Presley jockstrap

My Italian father-in-law hasn’t yet got the hang of doling out Christmas presents.Read

I wanted Nazis to find Julie Andrews in A Sound Of Music

THERE was one day in the holiday when I didn’t stop eating - more grazing, really.Read

Christmas dinner and zapping pets with water pistols

“I CAN’T help noticing,” my aunt enquired during a sumptuous Christmas Day meal, “that throughout the main course you continually picked up that water pistol…,” she fingered the scarlet plastic peacemaker by my plate, “and squirted it at the floor.”Read

Making a monkey out of training

FIVE days in a bleak, tinseless training room being taught the benefits of a new all-singing, all-dancing computer system quite robbed me of the Christmas spirit.Read

Does anyone understand the recycling scheme in this country?

THERE must, I’m sure, be a college night class you can enrol on to better understand the nuances of our ever-expanding recycling scheme.Read

Duran Duran carol singers are getting on my wick

I’M getting tough on the carol singers this year. I’m sick to death of them gathering at my doorstep singing Duran Duran’s greatest hits.Read

Complaints over my Christmas stint as Santa

MY stint as our garden centre’s Santa has been curtailed following complaints my fingers are nicotine stained.Read

Purple projectile vomit from the wife after Christmas party

JULIE’S works party - a staff ‘team-building’ exercise - went well, if you believe in building a team on lashings of alcohol, turkey, twiglets, quiche and more alcohol.Read

Christmas is crackers in our parish!

OUR parish council has spent lavishly on Christmas fairy lights that have been threaded through the branches of mighty oaks fringing the entrance to our rural backwater.Read

I reckon the small one out of the Chuckle Brothers has got my illness

FOUR days ago my wife succumbed to a heavy cold. She cooked tea, cleaned the bathroom and washed dirty laundry.Read

PMS buddy is my new best friend

THERE is a website - PMSbuddy - which warns concerned men when their partners are approaching, errr, that time of the month.Read

Cheeky Girls cry with delight at my moving lyrics

ANOTHER Christmas, another call from sultry Transylvanian twins The Cheeky Girls - who look on me as something of a rural Max Clifford.Read

Sorry, hissed Santa, haven’t you heard of the credit crunch?

AT Christmas, my mother used to sing to me a tear-jerking ditty entitled ‘He’s The Little Boy Who Santa Claus Forgot’.Read

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