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Lockley: I’m in hospital hell with a big drip and the Tummy Doctor

I CANNOT apologise enough for standing you up last week.Read

Lockley: Being told to give up the booze is hard to swallow

“YOU’RE telling me I’ve got a week?” I mouthed at the doctor, before pressing my head hard against the pillow and closing my eyes in abject despair.Read

Lockley: My recovery’s at risk from daytime TV

I DON’T mean to moan, but…Read

Real ale drinkers in search of scratchings and a Chaffed Nipple “INNKEEPER,” the beer-bellied individual with scratchings in his shaggy beard boomed across the crowded snug, “we come in search of your finest porter.” more

Lockley: Missus has gone to Palma, and I’m left home with the ham

“THERE’S a nice piece of gammon in the fridge,” the distant voice at the other end of the phone trilled. “Why don’t you fry that, with an egg, and there’s a packet of parsley sauce…” Read

Lockley: I will skip the eating advice

DID I really need this morning’s council flyer warning of the perils of eating discarded food from skips?Read

Lockley: Snow causes panic in our parish

“SNOW!” screamed a mother, her faced creased in panic, as the first flakes fell like down from the anaemic sky.Read

Mike Lockley: Why I am glad to see the back of 2009

GLAD to see the back of 2009, to be honest.Read

Lockley: 2010? It's 1972 all over again for me Wow.. 2010. How sci-fi does that sound?more

Cornwall: Gurning, toothless yokels and pubs named after crime

“THE totally amazing thing about Cornwall,” gushed the public relations bod, “is that it has its very own micro-climate.”Read

Lockley: The truth about I'm A Celebrity

IF rumours are right and I’m A Celebrity... is actually being filmed in a secluded copse called The Buttocks half-a-mile from my home and not the Australian outback, why haven’t we seen the stars purchasing items from Mr Patel’s cornershop?Read

Keogh and Kightly: Cat hell for the Lockley family

WE ARE a two cat family. Keogh and Kightly.Read

Lockley: Trip puts romance back in our lives – and a sick bucket

MENTALLY, the jigsaw of last night’s fuel-filled karaoke session is coming together. The flashbacks, which make me sweat with embarrassment, and the hangover are too much to bear.Read

Lockley: I don’t need to go on impaired drivers’ course... I am one

FORGET the nine penalty points on my licence… I am a careful driver. If you’re doing 40 mph on a country lane while using a toothpick you have to be bloody careful, I can tell you.Read

Lockley: I beat Jimmy Krankie, the small Chuckle Brother, Jimmy Cricket, Sid Little and one of the Grumbleweeds to the Christmas Lights switch on

COME here! Listen to this…Read

Lockley: Julie is baying for blood watching Wolves

YOU know there’s always one spectator at a football match who spends the entire game barracking their own team?Read

Mike Lockley column: Picture blunder is a Nazi surprise

"HOW the hell did it happen?” I demanded, struggling to make myself heard above the venomous chants of placard-waving anti-fascist league members encamped on our rockery.Read

Mike Lockley column: Making the French connection

SO moved by the hospitality shown during a two-day break in Calais, I apologised to them about the Joan of Arc thing.Read

Mike Lockey: Why music taste mellows with age

AS well as nasal hair, age has brought a certain mellowness to my musical taste.Read

Visit to the Doctor leaves me feeling more stressed out

MY mate Paul hasn’t been suffering from stress, as deduced by the village GP after an ‘in depth’ consultation lasting all of five minutes.Read

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