Home News Columnists Mike Lockley

Lockley: Last of the Mohicans

"IF you don’t stop messing with my son’s hair,” I bellowed at a clearly shaken Alfonso, “I will report you.” Read

Lockley: Uncle's world crumbled like a coconut cream

I’VE given 22 years of my life to that company,” bemoaned Uncle Derek, fighting back tears, “and this is the thanks I get.” Read

Lockley: Nothing beats a panpipe version of The Deer Hunter

“TO report a fault,” the robotic message declared, “press one. For emergencies press two. For our service desk, press three. If you have a query about charges, press four. For further information press 0 and wait for an operator. If you know the extension you require, please key it in now.” Read

Lockley: I am ready to 'plum' the depths with the Cheeky Girls

IF the plight of our dwindling bumble bee population wasn’t enough to push me towards mental meltdown, I’ve just been informed, via email, that the British plum is under threat. Read

Lockley: Partying to the sounds of Iron Maiden and Perry Como

ANOTHER uneasy family gathering - this time for some distant relative’s 50th - where unruly kids, sulky teenagers and aged aunts were treated to a strange musical mix of Perry Como, Iron Maiden, the big band sounds of Glenn Miller, The Darkness and Bucks Fizz. Read

Lockley: Things that go bump in the loft

DID you hear about the paranoid man with low self-esteem? He thought no one important was out to get him. Read

Lockley: Happiness can't buy you money!

The older I get, the more I despise those with bigger bank accounts, which is most people. Read

Lockley: Happiness can't buy you money!

The older I get, the more I despise those with bigger bank accounts, which is most people. Read

Lockley: Let down by Ethel's Escort

A day at the races for Team Lockley: an intoxicating gathering of high-rollers, glamorous women and common folk, like us, united in one quest - to make a financial killing. Read

Lockley: Cat wee whiff at business seminar

A BUSINESS seminar I attended last week on ‘team building’ was briefly halted because of the ‘over-powering smell of cats’ in the cramped conference room. Read

Lockley: Lockley junior and his gangsta pimp cut

MY son left Chateau Lockley this morning with a cheery wave, breezing down the cracked driveway every inch a respectable, healthy country youth. Read

Lockley: Nicknames for all

SO concerned by the images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck that keep flashing through my mind that I went to see the doctor. Read

Lockley: Nicknames for all

SO concerned by the images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck that keep flashing through my mind that I went to see the doctor. Read

Lockley: House makeover turned into a 17-year nightmare

MY wife – bolstered by TV programmes where folk transform their hovels into palaces, then flog them for a small fortune – wants to give Chateau Lockley a makeover. Read

Lockley: 50 years and still going strong

A RARE family holiday to ‘celebrate’ - if it is, indeed, a cause for celebration - my 50th year on this earth. Read

Lockley: From one vegetable to another!

“I’ve gone green,” I told Colin, proudly, over a frothing pint of best bitter in The Drum and Monkey’s smoke-free snug. Read

Lockley: Uncle Norm wanted his ashes scattered at the Lake District - they ended up in front of a caravan

“JUST bung the thing out of the window,” I bellowed, straining to see through a windscreen blurred by wipers fighting a losing battle against bullet rain. Read

Lockley: Crazy cat's double life

KEOGH, our chav cat, has been leading a double life, it emerged this week. Read

Lockley: School pals are far better off than me

I'M going to have to crank-up my entry on Friends Reunited after discovering Maddocks is one of the world's leading experts on maritime law. Read

Lockley: Malc's love poem agony

MALCOLM, the 50-year-old bachelor who still lives with his mother, is besotted with that blonde up the road who runs the pony club. Read

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