Home News Columnists Mike Lockley

Wife is laid to rest

wA WOMAN goes to the doctor and is given the bombshell news that she has only a day to live. Read

Cheeky Knicker thief gives cops the bum's rush

SOMEONE has been stealing underwear from washing lines in our village. Read

I'm trumping parish homes plan with baked bean protest

OUR sleepy community has been rocked to the core by bombshell local authority plans to build 500 new properties. Read

Holy jam scam smashed by trading standards

TRADING Standards have again swooped on the parish car boot sale. Read

My memory is fading fast as I approach old age

YESTERDAY I got the names of our son and our cat mixed up. Read

Nouvelle cuisine leaves me hungry for a proper meal

THESE swanky restaurants paint a lattice-work of sauces and syrups on your plate, then give you a really dirty look when you lick it. Read

Party time as Wolves win promotion

STILL hasn’t sunk in that Wolverhampton Wanderers – the farm labourers round here call them the Yam Yams, which is rich coming from a bunch of swede bashers – are in the Premiership. Read

Simon Cowell turns nose up at my windy act

SEVEN piggin’ hours I waited with the legion of serial dribblers and shop window lickers who pass for ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ hopefuls before doing my thing in front of Simon Cowell. Read

Truth is out there... in our wacky parish

THE truth is, indeed, out there. Read

Besotted Julie thinks our new cat is purrfect

I SPOTTED my wife cradling the kitten in our life, Kightly, in her arms and gazing out of the window: “Look, Kightly,” she whispered, “it’s a pheasant. Can you say pheasant?” Read

Energy bills are a pigging headache

I AM a worrier. Read

Facebook messages are double dutch to me

HAVE you seen the syrupy messages of undying love a veritable battalion of teenage girls have placed on my son’s Facebook page? Read

Gary Glitter rumours spark panic in Midland parish

“FOR the last time,” whimpered the trussed, trembling figure in the back of the Transit, “I’m not Gary Glitter.” Read

Red Baron the wildlife blaster

BLOKE in our pub has been dubbed The Red Baron because he puts stickers along the side of his Land Rover chronicling the wildlife he’s blasted into oblivion. Read

Credit Crunch home brew leaves bitter taste in the mouth

IN a bid to save pennies I’ve joined the home brew brigade. My uncle made wine from twigs until he got diseased kidneys – Dutch elm diseased kidneys. Read

Dumped hubby had slept in wheelie bin for weeks...

THE wheelie bins cometh. Read

My gangsta pimp son is on the right road with Posh date

MY wife is overjoyed that our son is dating the daughter of the village’s richest family. The young thing desperately wants to be a doctor while our 17 year-old wants to be a gangsta pimp and is saving cash to buy a car with the registration plate ‘Bad Ass 1’. Read

Slimming wife has a fat chance of success

A RELATIVE of mine has lost seven stone after undergoing an operation to have the surgical equivalent of an elastic band wrapped tightly round her intestine. Read

No mates on Facebook

I HAVE been forced near kicking and screaming to join Facebook. Read

God bless CAMRA: Making a political movement out of getting drunk

IF I had a Fair Isle jumper and beard, I’d join the Campaign for Real Ale. Read

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