Holy jam scam smashed by trading standards

May 3 2009 by Mike Lockley, Sunday Mercury

TRADING Standards have again swooped on the parish car boot sale.

This time they confiscated 50 jars of jam, made by a religious sect that lives in the old school house, because the labels say: ‘Best Before Armageddon... which should be next Thursday’.

“We’ll let you off this time,” the Trading Standards bloke warned the Sister of the Eternal Harvest Flame – a plump woman called Doris who used to work for Avon.

‘‘But if this planet’s still here come next Thursday, you can expect another knock on the door.”

They think the jars might be marmalade masquerading as jam.

“There’s a big difference between the two,” pointed out the official. ‘‘Like what,’’ I asked? “Well, two extra ‘a’s for a start – and another ‘m’.”

Strange guy. He parted with a cheery piece of advice: “Remember, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is... or is that isn’t?”

I pointed out it could be true, because the goods are nicked and the thief, not hindered by usual overheads, wants to offload them.

“Bloody hell,” exclaimed the stunned officer. “You’re absolutely right.”

How ‘jobsworth’ is that – confiscating jam?

“What about all the porn out there?” I bellowed at the officer.

“That’s definitely the real McCoy,” he replied. “Very, very high quality too – I can highly recommend it.”

‘‘And the fake Viagra?’’

“Give me a chance,” snapped the officer. “If nothing’s happened in a few hours I’ll be back, don‘t you worry.”