Mike Lockley column - Sunday Mercury

Home News Columnists Mike Lockley

Lockley: Major police hunt as a master criminal escapes our village beat bobbies

THE stench of suspicion mingles with pungent agricultural aromas following news that The Major – known on the street as, er, The Major – has slipped police custody.Read

Mike Lockley Column: Huntsmen would do better looking for foxes in fast food restaurants

I HAVE told the hunt, in no uncertain terms, that the invitation to ride with them, then write a glowing article ‘destroying the many myths’ goes beyond the pale.Read

Mike Lockley: The truth behind big black cat sightings is revealed

SO now we know. The big black cat spotted lurking in woodland only a stone’s throw from Chateau Lockley is, in all probability, a big cat called Whiskers.Read

Mike Lockley: I haven't shed a tear for my Facebook friend North Korean president Kim Jong-il

CALL me hard-hearted, but I’ve not shed a single tear over the demise of North Korean president Kim Jong-il.Read

Mike Lockley: Cigarette warnings are costing a packet

I BELIEVE parents should rail against those ads that involve a host of lisping children pleading: “Please don’t smoke, dad/mom/grandma because I worry you might get cancer and die.”Read

Mike Lockley: Haunted by a terrifying Ghost of Christmas Past – in 70s platform heels!

I TREMBLED, covering my face with the duvet and mumbled: “I know what you are.Read

Lockley: A drunken tour around Kent’s Shepherd Neame brewery

JUST had a fascinating tour of Kent’s Shepherd Neame brewery, an establishment that has been providing ale for 850 years.Read

Mike Lockley: I have joined Facebook

THE unthinkable has happened. I’ve become a member of the Facebook community.Read

Lockley: Radio DJ wants me to meet the Grim Reaper live on air

UNION official Red Trev Trotsky handed me the Samurai sword, the words ‘Death Of Local Journalism’ etched into its gleaming blade.Read

Mike Lockley: Beware of the office Christmas Party

THE trickle of Christmas e-mails became a tinsel torrent this week.Read

Mike Lockley: My mate's job takes the biscuit

MY mate’s job is so boring that his entire office has sick building syndrome.Read

Lockley: Loneliness drives me to the village where killersall live in thatch cottages

YOU don’t know how good it is to have someone to talk to…Read

Mike Lockley: Empire state of mind as chairwoman sends defendant Down Under

THE chairwoman of the bench trilled: ‘‘This is a very serious matter,” as she fingered her pearl necklace in a show of agitation.Read

Mike Lockley: The poor single mum who lives in a shoe with her kids...this is real life!

DEEPLY saddened by the village hall committee’s decision to employ a professional panto production company this Christmas.Read

Mike Lockley: I am not bloody Bernie The Bolt

THE angry pensioner glared at me and bellowed: ‘‘For the last time, I am not bloody Bernie The Bolt.”Read

Lockley: I am the world's best flatulence fuelled welly wanger

THE annual village ‘games’ were a glorious illustration of the pleasures and pursuits that make up country life… apart from dogging, obviously.Read

Lockley: Delving in the loft through love letters and school reports

MY silver-haired mother has presented me with a tea-chest full of memories discovered in her loft.Read

Lockley: Toilet farce is a crapper

A CHAP called Crapper invented the toilet, which is an irony lost on many people.Read

Mike Lockley: My Cockney Rhyming slang could be ad for my health

IN the words of the song: “England swings like a pendulum do, Bobbies on bicycles...”Read

Get involved...