Home News Columnists Mike Lockley

My wife can’t ‘beat it’ when it comes to mourning Michael Jackson

wMICHAEL Jackson died a week last Thursday. Read

Milk thief who strikes at dawn in slowest ever getaway vehicle

“IF anything,” sighed the head of our Neighbourhood Watch, scanning the 12-page report I’d submiitted, “you’ve been somewhat over-zealous.” Read

Wife wants a break from holiday home hell

WIFE’S acting a bit strange as she hurtles towards 50. Read

Binman gets hernia lifting our wine bottle empties

“WHAT’S the time?” I demanded, bullets of cold sweat forming on my brow. Read

Diet guru is full of tips - and abuse

I KNEW I needed to diet when I looked in the mirror and saw my backside – without turning round. Read

Tears and tantrums at church fete as I step-in for Cheggers

“We had Les Ross open our fete one year,” lisped the little girl. “And Steve Bull.” Read

Painful school memories of when I was bottom of class

A GRAINY, black and white picture of myself, and classmates, in our weekly paper’s Where Are They Now? feature has made me painfully aware that I’ve been on this planet a long, long time. Read

Lockley: The village carnival committee is in a really bullish mood

“THEY release the bulls,” said old Tom excitedly, “and the beasts stampede through the main streets, chasing the panic-stricken locals who have to avoid being gored.” Read

Lockley: I’ll stand for election if I can claim a new lawnmower

I’ll stand for election if I can claim a new lawnmower Read

Lockley: Bitter taste at the local

Bitter taste at the local Read

The Mike Lockley Column: I'm the new Clint Eastwood after nabbing parish burglar

You read it here first… Read

My date with fete as stand-in for Shep

WHISPER it, but thanks to this column I have been asked to open the Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church Fete. Read

Wee Willie Winkie

wA MAN strides into his doctor’s reception and declares loudly: “There’s something wrong with my winky.” The shocked receptionist gives him a ticking-off. “This is a public area and you need to show decorum. You should say, ‘there’s something wrong with my ear’...that sort of thing.” Next day the man strides to the reception desk and declares loudly: “There’s something wrong with my ear.” “What’s the problem?” asks the receptionist. “It hurts when I urinate out of it.” Read

Ham-Dram show a real stage fright

GOODNESS, the village am-drama production my wife and I endured last weekend was painful. Read

Country bumpkins are running scared in London

“THAT is not the Victoria Line,” I seethed, scrutinising the map as commuters jostled, wrestled and pushed me while running up the escalator, which goes against the whole point of the machinery. Read

MP pleads for our votes... and a new Bentley

ACCORDING to the national press, I have unwittingly helped pay for seven ‘mooning’ stone gnomes that reside proudly, fishing rods in hands, in the sprawling back garden of my MP’s country retreat. Read

Hitler's tunes not music to mein ears

I’M addicted to satellite TV’s documentary channels, even though every programme is about Adolf Hitler, sharks or someone picking up deadly snakes. Read

I fear swine flu.. but can only hear crackling on NHS helpline

“FOR the last time,” bellowed my exasperated wife, “you haven’t got swine flu.” Read

Clueless cops in hunt for Brut of a burglar

“WHAT the hell are you doing?” I demanded as my wife worked feverishly with cloth, scrubbing brush and liberal squirts of Mr Sheen. Read

Canoodling lovebirds become badger bait

HAD A sweltering evening spent badger watching, which is not a euphemism, despite what the courting couple I almost tripped over in the long, unkempt corn took it to be. Read

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