Home News Columnists Mike Lockley

I outfoxed the whizz kid who wouldn’t stop talking about blackberries

I think that means I’ve got to take pictures, as well. Read

Who needs to shop online when there’s a Dominoes nearby

“QUICK, quick,” shouted Julie, peering through the gap in the net curtains. Read

Chopsticks hold key to good health

OUR GP’s hit me with a bit of a bombshell. Read

Son's snogging ruined Match of The Day

wARRIVED home last night to discover my son and his girlfriend sprawled on our sofa. Read

Lockley: Plenty of bright sparks in our house

EVERY evening I wander through our house switching lights off, which irks me greatly. Read

Teaching my son to drive is worse than being caught short in Shropshire

Teaching my son Read

Valium’s the new answer for DIY

Valium’s the Read

Lockley: Allegedly you have to be mentally ill to find me attractive

w.BOMBSHELL news that I was ‘eyed-up’ by a Latin lovely during a recent working trip to Italy has concerned Julie. Friends claim I should not have told my wife, but we have no secrets: she’s too good at going through my pockets. Thankfully, I managed to thwart the unwelcome advances before things got really serious... before I had to buy a round. After weighing up the pros and cons, Julie has concluded any woman who finds me attractive must harbour mental health issues. Read

Packet of salt and vinegar sends me into mental meltdown

EVERY evening I wander through our house switching lights off, which irks me greatly. Read

Crunch means end of crunchy snacks

Bloody credit crunch. Read

Thirty buttons on the remote and I can't change the channel

New technology has finally cast me asunder. Read

Biggest bonfire I'd ever seen

Got a leaflet through the door urging me to check for hedgehogs before Bonfire night celebrations. Read

Halloween's a great time for 'blackmail'

Trick or treating was extremely beneficial to the Lockleys this year. Read

Mike Lockley: Women still ignore me...

WHEN it comes to the fairer sex, I’ve still got it. Read

Lockley: Mickey Mouse tie and other car boot delights

JUST look at this tat. Read

LOCKLEY: Our version of Hamlet was truly terrible

Our amateur dramatic society’s version of Hamlet was so bad the audience booed. It was all too much for Mrs Mortimer who yelled at the hecklers: “Don’t blame us - we didn’t write this rubbish.” Read

Lockley: I cried when the barman called last-orders

My mate returned from a spot of sea fishing to find his wife waiting in a skimpy negligé and primed for a night of passion. “Not now, Maureen,” he snapped, spilling his slippery catch onto the kitchen table. “I’ve got a haddock.” Read

Lockley: Curse the salesman

WHEN I was a child the only people who flogged things on your doorstep were gypsies with bunches of lucky heather. Read

Lockley: OAP's kicked out of Post Office for sherry binge

“WOULD you sign our petition condemning proposals to close this branch?” asked sub-postmistress Mrs Bennett, thrusting a dog-eared paper under the counter’s glass partition. Read

Lockley: Confessions of our retiring milkman

“AS you know,” boomed the Major during a hurriedly called meeting at the Assembly Rooms, “Pete the Milkman is retiring after serving this parish for close on half-a-century. Read

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