Lorne Jackson: Ronaldo could follow in the footsteps of Dr Benjamin Spock

Jul 11 2010

ALMOST five years ago, something revolutionary happened to me.

My missus, Riki, gave birth.

Before then, I’d lived the typically exemplary life of the earnest young man.

Always early to rise, I would make sure to bound out of bed well before 3pm, fresh and fit to tackle the demands of the day.

And being charitable of heart, I gave regular donations to worthy causes. For instance, I’d tip any saucy barmaid who happened to be wearing a skirt that halted seven or eight inches above her knees.

I also harboured a deep well of empathy, invariably considering the feelings of others before my own.

When Riki felt blue, I’d make sure not to exacerbate her depression with an unwanted cuddle.

Instead, I’d give her the space she needed to recover her spirits, by heading down the pub to discuss my charitable inclinations with the barmaid in the thigh-high skirt.

But once my son was born I knew things had to change. Even though I’d always been a mature and morally upstanding individual, I now accepted that there was even more growing up to be done.

I acted fast. Within minutes of Riki returning from hospital with our little bundle of innocence and joy, I went into an almighty huff.

I bickered, badgered and barked at my wife, explaining that she had ruined my life by forcing me to take on unwanted responsibilities.

She had clipped my wings, curtailed my freedom, undermined my ambitions.

Riki responded by telling me not to bother doing anything, if that’s the way I felt.

Champagne

I celebrated down the pub by sharing a bottle of champagne with the barmaid in the miniskirt.

It’s never easy for boys to become men once they have boys of their own.

Which is why I have a certain amount of sympathy for Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, who has revealed that he has fathered a baby, Ronaldo Jnr, and will be raising the child as a single parent.