Price is not right for Jordan

Nov 29 2009 by Lorne Jackson, Sunday Mercury

THE fast-running river of cash that is Jordan PLC has crashed into an almighty dam.

Let me rephrase that. Katie Price is no river – she’s a rancid puddle.

How ever you describe her, it appears the game could be up for the ‘model and business woman’, as she was satirically labelled in the latest lackluster series of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

The rumble in the jungle could be Price’s last big payday according to consumer researchers, who have discovered a dramatic dip in the sales of the products she punts to the public.

There’s little interest in Jordan fashions, Jordan biographies, Jordan kiddie books, Jordan perfumes...

The Price isn’t right, anymore. A devastating reversal of fortune for the honours graduate of the Page 3 academy, whose trading of merchandise was once so relentless she appeared to be evolving into Marks & Spencer on stilettoes.Though I suspect Jordan’s sliding doors have accommodated more browsers and rummagers than Marks & Sparks.

So does Katie have a future in show (and tell) business?

Or will she have to retreat to the day job of popping sprogs sired by different fathers?

I’m convinced she could turn her fortunes around, by taking my advice. Here’s some roles she could consider for the future...

Jordan The Monarch

Somebody has to boss Britannia and our current Queen won’t trot on indefinitely. Only cockroaches and American teeth last for ever.

Jordan certainly has the qualifications to be an ideal monarch.

The Queen hasn’t shown a flicker of emotion in over half-a-century on the throne. That’s called good breeding. Jordan hasn’t shown a flicker of emotion in a decade – that’s called Botox.

A nasty internet rumour is spreading through the web, claiming Jordan’s facial muscles did spasm once – at 3.37pm, Greenwich Mean Time, April 17, 2002.

A scandalous lie.

There is also a tribe of Aborigines whose elders spin tales round the camp fire. Tales of a long-ago past, shrouded in the mists of time, when even the old Gods were young. And it is said by those wise men that in the dawn of the world, Jordan’s left eyebrow did shudder on its axis by a quarter of a millimetre.

Alas, this is only a fantastical tale to terrify small children.

Jordan’s lack of facial fluctuations isn’t the only trait she shares with the Queen.

Katie and Liz never say anything remotely interesting.

Though Katie did once remark that: “All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.”

No, sorry. That was Oscar Wilde.

Jordan As Sir Alan Sugar

I’m A Celeb production staff may call Jordan a businesswoman, but I ain’t convinced.

Though maybe she has acquired enough life skills to take over from Sir Alan on The Apprentice.

She’s certainly as abrasive as The Shoog.

And think of the useful advice she could impart to eager young business brains, desperate to make their way in the world. Picture the illuminating conversation between Pricey and a prospective apprentice...

Prospective apprentice: “Please, Dame Katie. Is it true that investing in new technology – though initially a drain on resources, resulting in a short-term shrinkage in profit margins – will ultimately lead to fiscal growth?”

Dame Katie: “Da nah, mate. But if investin’ in new technafingy means pumpin’ yer boobs wif silicon, then it’ll def’nly lead to fiscal growf. ‘Specially in a bloke’s trousers.”

Yup, Katie has nothing to fear. There’s plenty of plump opportunities in front of her, and I don’t just mean those mega-mammaries.

Even if my suggestions don’t work out, she can always choose option three... the Nuclear Option.

Back to the Aussie Bush for 2010.

ITV bosses are just about dumb enough to pay her to do it.

Well, it’s either that or start commissioning decent programmes – and that’s NEVER gonna happen.