The black-hole that is brand Beckham

Sep 25 2008 By Lorne Jackson

And the big news this week was that a black hole appeared on planet earth - and swallowed us all.

No, not the one that was almost created by a giant nuclear physics lab stretching from Switzerland to France.

I mean the black hole otherwise known as Brand Beckham.

The one that sucks in the media's interest - yet radiates nothing.

For instance...

The news today was that a plain-looking woman... had a haircut.

That plain-looking woman's name was Victoria Beckham, most famous for being most famous.

But the exciting news doesn't end with the near miraculous tale of her latest death-defying adventure in the salon.

I can now exclusively reveal that I've managed to speak to Posh's hairdresser, Leonardo Da Scrunchy.

Who gave me a serious of mouth-watering scoops, such as, yes, he did indeed begin by shampooing Posh's hair.

Followed by what in technical terms is known as 'combing'.

Then he began clipping.

Concerned readers will be fascinated to learn that scissors were used at this delicate juncture of the operation.

Da Scrunchy also revealed that a cup of tea was inserted into Mrs Beckham's hand, which she then proceeded to sip.

He refused to confirm whether the alleged pop star took milk or sugar.

However, sources close to Da Scrunchy have revealed that Mrs Beckham did have a "right good gossip" about certain female acquaintances who were variously labelled "sluts", "total sluts" and "total and utter sluts".

Although on further consideration, Mrs Beckham was willing to concede that some of them were more cowish than sluttish.

While others could only properly be defined as "right ****ing bitches".

Finally, a hair dryer was introduced into the intricate process of establishing a bold new identity for the top of Mrs Beckham's head.

Resulting, at last, in her hair being slightly shorter than it was before she took her chair in the salon.

Next week: More sizzling exclusives!

Including news hot off the press about Posh's latest pedicure.

Plus! David gets his nasal hairs tweaked before confronting his greatest challenge yet.

The tanning booth.