Jackson: My dream team of celebs would sheikh them up

Sep 8 2008

WHAT’S happening to English Football?

While most British businesses face more serious SAGnation than Ulrika Jonsson’s boobs, footy is becoming a millionaire’s playground.

Roman Abramovich brought ker-ching to Chelsea.

Then, last week, Man City was snaffled-up by Arab Sheikh, Dr Sulaiman Al Fahim, who boasts he’ll buy all the best players in the world.

Hopefully there’s a top-notch tycoon ready to take over one of our local teams, like Birmingham City.

However, I don’t believe the fab new players bought by the club would necessarily be professional footballers.

Here’s some choice champs from outside the world of the Premiership who would make an impact on the pitch...

Robbie Williams:Head Coach

How so? Well, Alex Ferguson’s, majestic managerial reputation rests on his vigorous use of the ‘hair-dryer’ treatment in the dressing room.

I’m no sports journalist, but can guess what that means.

Fergie must be clipping, combing and teasing his players luscious locks, with a little shiatsu head-massage on the side.

That’s how he inspires his rag-tag rabble to win with a flourish – fabness lies in the follicles.

Robbie Williams is no professional hairdresser.

But his bitchy asides and flouncing behaviour mean he’s as camp as a bunch of blokes dressed as construction workers, watching a Sex In The City box set.

Like all good salon rangers, Robbie’s cutting tongue points to an expertise with the curling tong.

Snippy with his scissors and snippy with his remarks, Robbie would be an ideal hairdresser – and footy manager.

Alistair Darling: Striker

The Chancellor Of The Exchequer is a genius when it comes to blasting ‘em in the back of the net.

Although they do tend to be own goals.

Like all good front-men, he knows exactly when to be ‘tripped-up’.

Strikers stumble in the box. Alistair does it whenever he gives an official interview about the state of the economy.

Amy Winehouse: Second Striker

The Back To Black singer would also play up front.

Like Peter Crouch she’d be ideal for the long-ball game, a tactic commonly known as ‘smacking it up to the big man’.

Amy might be five foot nothing in her blood-caked stockings. But add that Leaning Tower Of Pisa bee hive, and she’s four inches taller than Crouchie.

There’s only one problem. The woozy warbler would attempt to snort the penalty spot.

Not so much smacking it up to the big man, as the ‘big man’ is smacked-up.

Fern Britton: Goalkeeper

Fern should be forced at gun point to dump her gastric band, then she’d expand faster than the universe, moments after the Big Bang.

Big-ass Britton would be such a snug fit between the sticks, there’d be no room to squeeze an orange pip past her – let alone an inflated leather ball.

Vanessa Feltz:Defence... all of it

Even if Fern sneaks away from the goal-mouth to gobble a family-sized bag of Mars Bars, the team would still have fatty Feltz in defence.

No need for four men to do the job, she’d block-out the other team’s forwards by herself.

‘Cos this bouncy blonde isn’t really Vanessa – she’s TRUCKessa.

The Great Wall Of China squeezed into an unflattering frock.

Midfield: Girls Aloud

With their synchronised dance moves, the gorgeous gals would be perfect positioned at the heart of the game.

And wearing skimpy skirts and crop-tops, the opposition wouldn’t be able to keep their minds on the match.

Best of all, the girl group’s six-inch stilettos would turn the pitch to mulch.

And, as everyone knows, our local teams – packed with cloggers – play better in a mud bath than on a manicured lawn.

And last but not least... well, okay, least as well.

Kevin Keegan should get a job, now he’s been fired by Newcastle United.

Krack-up Kev would be an ideal team mascot.

He wouldn’t even need a silly costume – the Keegster looks dumb enough already.