Conan The Barbarian (15) **

Aug 28 2011 by Roz Laws, Sunday Mercury

CONAN THE

BARBARIAN (15)

HHIII

CAST: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan

PLOT: Conan first appeared in print in the 1930s but was made famous by the 1982 film which made Arnold Schwarzenegger’s name.

Now this kind-of remake, set in an ancient world, starts with narrator Morgan Freeman telling us some gubbins about a mask and a prophecy.

Then Conan is literally born in battle, cut out of his pregnant, fighting mother by dad Perlman. By the age of about 12 he’s already a fierce Cimmerian warrior, severing heads.

Then his father is killed by Khalar Zym (Lang) and his witch daughter McGowan and he grows up to be muscle-bound Momoa, out for revenge.

GOOD POINTS: I laughed at the occasional line like “Aargh, my nose!”. Some of the fighting is quite well done.

BAD POINTS: There’s nothing else except fighting – without a decent plot or dialogue, I was bored. Conan says: “I live, I love, I slay and I am content,” but I’m afraid I need more than that to be content.

It’s a very blokey film with few female roles (other than the gratuitously topless girls) amid the sea of testosterone. Conan is a man of few words, calling love interest Nichols “woman!” like chauvinist gypsy Paddy Doherty.

SHOULD I SEE IT? Only if you enjoy relentless battles.