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Mike Lockley

Sex in the pub is never a good idea

MY wife was near inconsolable after being mistaken for a man in our local.Read

Lockley: The penis fly trap

NUMBER One Son’s paper round has become a tiresome burden to the teenager - a chore the 17-year-old feels robs him of street cred.Read

Lockley: Why women went wild for my fertile morris dance steps

I SIMPLY refuse to stand back and watch our dwindling band of morris dancers become another part of rural life consigned to the history books.Read

Lockley: Cold snap brings out the worst in some of the villagers

THE eternally chipper owner of our convenience store has welcomed every customer during the big freeze with a hearty: “Cold enough for you?”Read

When it comes to healthy eating, I’m a chip off the block

THIS healthy eating lark, one of a number of New Year’s resolutions foisted upon us by my wife, is getting me down.Read

Bare-faced cheek makes no scents

CHRISTMAS must be well and truly over because they’ve stopped showing those bizarre, black and white adverts for fragrances, both male and female. They’re in French, to boot.Read

I wanted Nazis to find Julie Andrews in A Sound Of Music

THERE was one day in the holiday when I didn’t stop eating - more grazing, really.Read

Making a monkey out of training

FIVE days in a bleak, tinseless training room being taught the benefits of a new all-singing, all-dancing computer system quite robbed me of the Christmas spirit.Read

Christmas dinner and zapping pets with water pistols

“I CAN’T help noticing,” my aunt enquired during a sumptuous Christmas Day meal, “that throughout the main course you continually picked up that water pistol…,” she fingered the scarlet plastic peacemaker by my plate, “and squirted it at the floor.”Read

Duran Duran carol singers are getting on my wick

I’M getting tough on the carol singers this year. I’m sick to death of them gathering at my doorstep singing Duran Duran’s greatest hits.Read

Complaints over my Christmas stint as Santa

MY stint as our garden centre’s Santa has been curtailed following complaints my fingers are nicotine stained.Read

I reckon the small one out of the Chuckle Brothers has got my illness

FOUR days ago my wife succumbed to a heavy cold. She cooked tea, cleaned the bathroom and washed dirty laundry.Read

PMS buddy is my new best friend

THERE is a website - PMSbuddy - which warns concerned men when their partners are approaching, errr, that time of the month.Read

Cheeky Girls cry with delight at my moving lyrics

ANOTHER Christmas, another call from sultry Transylvanian twins The Cheeky Girls - who look on me as something of a rural Max Clifford.Read

Who wants to pamper a chav cat with attitude when little Kightly is here?

BECAUSE our chav cat Keogh tries to kill us every time we go to stroke her we’ve got a new kitten.Read

Son's snogging ruined Match of The Day

wARRIVED home last night to discover my son and his girlfriend sprawled on our sofa.Read

Who needs to shop online when there’s a Dominoes nearby

“QUICK, quick,” shouted Julie, peering through the gap in the net curtains.Read

I outfoxed the whizz kid who wouldn’t stop talking about blackberries

I think that means I’ve got to take pictures, as well.Read

Chopsticks hold key to good health

OUR GP’s hit me with a bit of a bombshell.Read

Valium’s the new answer for DIY

Valium’s theRead

Author Profile

Mike is the editor of The Cannock Chase Post and Burntwood Post. He is the author of a very popular self titled column which sees him sharing his own unique slant on life...